Happy Again

so i don't know if i had told you all but me and my boyfriend went on what seemed like a break, i was scared i thought we broke up. but we didn't and you know what, as much as he frustrates me and annoys me and i swear sometimes i want to just throw something at him, he also always tells me i can do anything i put my mind to. I talked with him today and we talked and solved our fight but i just saw a whole different side of him today. you see he comes from a well-off family, and i always thought that he was given things by his parents but he wasn't he worked for everything he has. we talked for over four hours today and he shared with me his worry about weather or not he will make it, just like me hes scared of what will come of him. he too has payment worries and doubts and fears. hes never showed me this side of him before. But now I just have way more respect for him and just see things differently. all those times he was telling me about keeping my head up and how to fix things it was all from his experience. I love him soo much, and despite everything I have been through in the past 5 months I can truly say I have turned a new page.

unbelievable!

i don't understand. when my sister lies to the parents about things going on in her life i stick by her, even if it means that i too end up lying. but then i ask for the same courtesy and she gets mad. I have decided to move back to my moms. its a difficult thing for me to do because as i said before no one thinks i should, but my sister made the decision even worse for me. i got an acceptance to a school by my dads which is great but i already made a payment to the school at my moms. I don't really feel like my mom even wants me here but this school by her house is amazing and i already have a few books and credits to the course I am taking so it would be easier for me.My sister opened my mail without my permission read my mail and told my mom about the acceptance. And now my mom has been acting strange like shes waiting for me to tell her okay never mind i am not moving. But I love this school!! so now my sister is all mad at me and telling me i am a horrible person and breaking my dads heart and all this crap. like how dare she talk about these things. she shouldn't have even opened my mail and yes i am moving but to go to school and a great school she should be happy for me. no one is happy for me then she ends with "great living with you" like are you kidding me!!! i understand she is mad but im trying to get an education!!! why would she do this and make me feel so horrible. I am doing this and no i dont care how people feel because at this point its back to thinking about me

changes changes changes

things change all the time at every minute of everyday. its hard to understand how or why things work. if connections will ever be made between two people or even if the path you are taking is the right one. sometimes you go back and erase all the things that have happened so you can start a new. i decided i want to be back at my moms. not because i don't like my dad i love him and my step mom too i love everything there, but I want to go back to school and the only acceptance i got was to the school closest to my moms. Also yes i do miss my mom a bit too but who wouldn't? i just wish that the decisions i made didn't have to involve child support. i wish my parents kept those things to themselves and the focus was on me going to school not weather or not my father will be paying money to my mother. this is the reason why if i ever have a child i am doing it right. people don't realize what a huge impact split parents have on kids. its like you can get this amazing accomplishment and it just isn't seen because the issue of money is always first. i just wanted to go to school and for my parents to actually show joy that i am going back to school. its like no matter what i do no one is happy, so i might as well do what will make me happy. and of course i think if others feelings but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. i love my family but sometimes i just rather be on my own. its hard living a life with split parents.

A fresh day :)

This whole past weekend was just amazing. nothing reminded me of the event that happened that one night and i was surrounded by family, friends, and of course, my boyfriend. It was almost as if nothing happened and i feel so blessed that i got a weekend like this. the down side to this weekend i caught the flu from my little sister. I couldn't exactly say no when she asked if she could sleep in my room. For anyone with a younger sister i am sure you understand. Also my sister is significantly younger then i am. You go through things that are hard in life each and everyday and sometimes things just happen and there is nothing you can do to change it. But you can always learn from it. I do miss going to parties though. But i also don't have any friends i trust enough to go partying with who i know wont drink. I wouldn't want to go to a party being the only one drinking, i would just feel weird. i know this post is very up and down and just one thing to the next but do keep in mind i do have the flu right now so its not always easy to keep on tract. I hope everyones weekend was just as great as mine.  but seeing as i am sick i should probably go to bed ( even though i slept from like 3 to 8 minus texting my boyfriend).

Questions

    More and more people are finding out about what has happened, which considering I have blogged about it, is to be expected. I didn't really think anyone I knew would read this blog that I have, but I guess since more and more people are blogging about things now a days, it was bound to happen. Today was hard though. One of my closest friends asked me why I had stopped drinking. I mean -can't even finish one beer- stopped drinking. I didn't want to lie so I just told him I had a bad night last time I drank so I have not drank since. But seeing as he is one of my closest friends he of course asked what happened. So I just lightly changed the subject leaving him with "it just wasn't a good night". Obviously I wanted to tell him but seeing as he was just about to go to work, I didn't think it was an appropriate time to be telling someone bad news. Then he would have just been sitting at work thinking about it. Not a healthy thing. And I mean it happened and I am still here and still alive and healthy minus some random breaks downs every once and a while. Which for those of you wondering has gotten less. It use to be every other day. Now it's once a week. Sometimes I wish no one knew but then if nobody knew I would just have this bottled up inside me. So it is always better to tell someone.

    For me the hardest person to tell was my sister. X was one of her ex boyfriends that we had known for a long time. Over 10 years. Wow 10 years. It's creepy. We always knew he wasn't a good guy though so I guess that's why I wasn't that surprised. I mean I was definitely surprised he had committed this act, but then when I thought of how he was, always dating younger girls and all, it's like I should have known he would of tried something like that. He's is about 26 years old I believe and he dates and sleeps with girls younger then I. like 3 years younger. It's disgusting. That's another reason why I am bothered so much by this. Because I know that if I had the courage to go straight to the hospital or police he would be in jail. He has so many offenses that this would have been the cherry to the cake that would have put him where he belongs. In jail.

   I read up on the trauma people go through because of this and apparently I was in "shock" for a week which is why I had cleaned everything. It's where your mind tells you to do what ever will keep you from dealing with it. Basically my mind was protecting me from dealing with the issue because it could tell my body couldn't handle it. So it's common. All in all today was okay though and maybe eventually I won't have to tell anyone maybe eventually it will be as though nothing happened at all. Until then though I am just going to get through this with one day at a time.

The friend

Because of past events it has been really hard for me to talk to this friend. I know he is not to blame in any way shape or form but now when ever I talk to him, it reminds me of what happened. It was after all in his room. And I never would have been there if he hadn't shown up at my house drunk. I would have been watching a movie with my boyfriend. [We actually split up because of it and just got back together about two weeks ago((I was pushing him away because I was one day clingy and the next hated the world))]. But I also could have gone home right away or gone home when he left in the morning but I stayed. Or we could also say I could have said no to drinking ( for the record I don't drink more then one beer now). But it's all pointless thinking because it has already happened. The most I can do is take action to not let it repeat ever again. 

   He doesn't seem to understand thought that this is really hard for me, and when I explained to him why I felt that way he took it that i was blaming him and I don't I mean I guess in a small way maybe. But mostly, I blame myself. I knew X was not a good guy and I stayed anyhow I went there anyhow. So if you ever get that feeling you should go home. Just go home. It is better to miss out on something then to possible miss judge someone. I just wish there was an easier way to explain to my friend that I don't blame him because I already told him I don't and it's not enough. I am almost furious with him because instead of trying to support me on what I am going through, he has made it about him.

First Blog : "The" night..

Hi everyone, 

     let me start by saying that what you are about to read is not for anyone wishing to read something happy or sugar coated. so if you just came home form a long day of work and want to relax it would be best if youu went on to read a different blog.

I guess for all to understand I have to tell you what has happened. **Names have been changed**

It started off a regular night for me, my boyfriend and I had plans to meet up and hang out at my house. 20 minutes before he arrives an old friend of mine calls me and tells me that he's drunk and standing outside my house, so of course I go out to see if he is doing okay. And of course he can barely stand, I wasn't sure how he even got to my house to begin with. I tell him I will walk him home I just have to go get my shoes and left him waiting on the porch (people in my house were already asleep). When I came to the door again my boyfriend is standing there and my friend is 5 houses down. I explain to him that I have to walk my friend home and that I'm sorry he had came all this way. Being the gentlemen that he is, he offers to give my friend a lift home but I decline because I was afraid my friend would throw up in his car. This decision I will forever regret. He leaves and I go running down the street to find where my friend is. I keep running and I can't see him anywhere. Maybe he's fallen down somewhere or maybe he's taking a different route? So I call him as I am standing minutes from his house. Three calls to find out he's at home and has no idea how he got there. Later he will tell me he did just walk but it was all a blur, I guess the conversation with my boyfriend was longer then I had thought. My friend asks if I can come over and hang out with him. He shared his house with another guy named X. I tell him I can't come over because I don't think it would be smart for me to be where X is. But my friend insists and since I'm so close already I get X number from my friend and call to see if he is alright with me coming over. X is drunk too and says that a bunch of people are going to his house so he doesn't mind one more person. So I walk the rest of the way to the house. When i get there both the door to their house and the door to my friends room is open. I go in and he's passed out. So I nudge him so he knows I am there. I just lay beside him and start to go to sleep. 

   It must have been about 10 minutes later that X and his friends (some of them I knew) came into the house being very obnoxious and woke me up. So I go and say hi to him since it is his house too. He offered me some drinks and I accepted. We also smoked. I got really drunk and high. Eventually it was just X this younger girl he was "seeing" and his cousin and I. I went to school with his cousin and he was always a perv. His cousin was trying stuff and of course I pushed away. X came out from his bedroom with the girl and got his cousin to leave. I told him I am just going to sleep it off. I went into my friends room woke him and told him what happened so he got up and locked his door. We both fell asleep on separate sides of the bed.

  At 6am my friend wakes up because he had to go to his sisters. He told me I could stay and sleep so since I was still very intoxicated I went back to sleep and he left locking the door behind him ( this I had found out later). I wake a while later maybe and X is coming into the room asking if I am sleeping. Basically waking me and being a dick. I told him he just woke me and so he lies beside me on the bed and I shift over so we're not touching. He starts a conversation about my sister that I am vaguely listening to as I start to fall back asleep. I wake again probably minutes later and we are beside each other. Somehow my arm is on his chest and we are cuddling. I move away from him and he says something about a massage. I told him I'm okay. He asks again so I told him "just go to sleep". I pass out again. This time when I woke I was shocked to find that my clothes were off and he was saying something, I am not really sure what. It must have been around 7am because it was light out. I grabbed my clothes and put them on without a panic. I went for the door and he followed me. As I walked out his house he told me to take his bike because it was faster. He then asked if i would come back Sunday and made me promise I would. It was the only promise I had broken in three years. When I got home I did all my laundry cleaned my room top to bottom even the windows. Then I took a two hours long shower scrubbing everything using the whole bottle of soap I had. I then got dressed and went to work. 

   It wasn't until about two weeks later that it hit me what had happened and it wasn't until a week after that, that I got tested. I was lucky, a clean bill of health and not pregnant. 

  Despite what some my believe, this was a rape case. I never reported it. But I did tell a few people some people hate me for not reporting it and think I am cowardly while others believe I did what I thought was right at the time. And a lot of you may be wondering why I am posting this for the world to see but I wont report it. Plain and simple, though these cases are never taken lightly I have no proof of what happened because I cleaned the only evidence I had. So that means it would be three years or more of me sitting in trial after trial with my word against his. I know I am not strong enough to do so and I also know it would in my case, be a waste of time. 

   For anyone reading this that has or knows someone that has gone through this unfortunately you are not alone. I am going to counseling for this and I am writing everyday about it but I was told blogging may help because I would be able to get others opinions.